Taking a Dip
by NoWindForThisHole
Summary: Dipper gets the age and Bill humps the cage
Dipper Pines threw away the blankets. "The age has come," he gasped. "The clutches of puberty are no more. My boner is the Tower of Pisa. Long, and crooked, and rarin' to go." Mabel was in the same room. It was pube-end for her too, but she didn't make a big fucking deal out of it. "Mabel, come with me," Dipper motioned to the door. "And down the stairs, and down the stairs."

"Get out of this room," Mabel said. "I want to be alone," Mabel said.

Dipper slid down the railing and hit his head somewhat on the side of the ceiling, but it didn't hurt that much. "It is time for me to take a shower. I must wash my new body. I must buy 20 packs of beer."

"Dipper, Dipper, Dipper," Ford pulled the pipe away from his lips. "What did I tell you about announcing your personal issues to me?"

"Yes," Dipper sulked. "I know you want me to formally write them down and present them to you in a peer-reviewed journal."

Ford smacked himself and Dipper with the same hand. "Right," he said. "You're never gonna get into a good college."

"Thank you, Stanley Fords," Dipper burped, scratching his nib. Stanford went back to munching on the pipe. A shame his degree expired and nobody took anything he said seriously anymore.

Dipper turned on all of the water in every room. It was time for his morning bath/cup-o-tea/laundry/dishwashing. This is the routine. Dipper got out his breakfast and went into the bathroom with the food. "Now that's what I call an eating area," he said. He had one graham cracker.

Dipper suddenly felt a strong urge. It was in his stomach and his penis. "Urine, urine, urine," he chanted with glee. Dipper tore his pants off and squatted over the bowl. This is why his mom died, he thought to himself.

The yellow stream was too yellow. Dipper did not see at first, but he felt. He felt. He screamed. "God fucking damn it, it feels like I'm giving birth to a broken femur. Is this how it feels to be Soos? Mabel? Wendy?" Ford heard all of this and chose to ignore it.

Dipper heard a familiar cackle. "Oh no, am I being pranked?" He stood up and put his hands on his hips and moved his hips back and forth. "Biiiiiilllll, I told you I'm busy this Thursday. I'm getting my driver's license revoked unless I can escape."

Bill was in the toilet. "Get me out," said Bill. Dipper chuckled, extending a FOOT for Bill to grab onto. "Have you ever played the game 'Who's The Millionaire'? This is like the lifeline."

Bill climbed out of the toilet and immediately threw up out of his eye. He wiped off his three sides and angles with a towel. "Pine Tree, I desperately need to talk to you about something. I normally wouldn't give a shit, but this is extremely important."

Dipper dimmed the lights. "Bill, I need you to talk to me right now about the thing you need to talk to me about right now."

"Dipper, the FlatCops are after me. I fucked, I fucked up. I-I know we've had some rough times, but I reeeally need your help. Dipper, holy shit. Dipper, I really need 10 dollars right now. Dippeeeerrrr, I know I've done things, I know you've done things, but this is, hooooo body, I swear I'll pay you back next week. I owe you one, I will owe you one, ten dollars. I'll give you anything you want. I need, my taxi's leaving in five minutes. I need a handjob. Just a quickie over the sheets. I need ten dollars and a handjob RIGHT NOW, DIPPER. DIPPER."

Bill shook. Dipper pondered. He stared at Bill's hypotenuse, searching. "Well, Great Uncle Ford hasn't given me my allowance this week. I thinked he just spent it on more crack."

Bill grabbed Dipper's shoulders and shook him up and down at an enormous speed. "Dipper, I have no time for this. I'll do anything. Fuck my ass, fuck my ass, fuck my ass right now. Dipper Dipper Dipper Dipper."

Dipper was eating deodorant to clear out before the act. "Always the jokester, you," he said. He put on a glove, then took off the glove.

"Dipper, think, think right now," Bill spun. "What we need right now is not that."

Dipper promptly put one foot in his shower and one foot in the bathtub. "I always think more clearly in the shower. You should try it someday, today, now, with me, if you want."

Bill immediately slammed himself into the shower wall, spreading out nothing because he was a triangle. "Go ahead," he said, muffled. "The time is now."

Dipper yawned for a while and washed his hair. He wanted to build up tension and also forgot that Bill was there. Bill almost puked from the stress. He popped himself off of the wall and blocked Dipper's shower with his body. Dipper was confused. "I am cold. What is this new sensation?"

"Dipper, I am literally going to kill you," said Bill. "Not because of this, I just wanted you to know."

"What?" said Dipper. He swung his head around like in a commercial. "I did not catch tha- oh, ow, this is pain, I am experiencing pain." Soap filled Dipper's right eye.

Bill got immediately off of the shower head. "Oh gosh, Dipper. What happened? I mean I'm not sorry, but what happened?"

Dipper looked at Bill with the other eye and pointed to his pained area. "My wee wittle weye got some wampoo in it."

Bill felt a moment of empathy, clarity, and so did Dipper. "My sweet, sweet, sweet," he said. "Let me cleanse you of this hurt." Bill kissed Dipper's eye. It felt romantic for a second when Bill's one orifice was a mouth but then it changed back to an eye and the soap was still on it so it also got in Bill's eye and caused exactly the same level of pain. "Dipper, I love you," Bill said through the unbearable stinging.

"You love me?" said Dipper.

"Dipper, I want you to jam your fist and penis in my hole simultaneously. Dipper, I want you to empty an entire bottle of mustard in my ass. I want you to lick an entire bottle of mustard out of my ass. I want my ass to be your new friend, your only friend. I want my ass to grow old with you. Dipper, this is my one request, I need my ass you need my ass we all need my ass. Dipper, please. Fuck my ass."

Dipper shurgged. "But Biiiillll."

"DIPPER I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE."

Dipper smiled. "Say no more, friend." Dipper ran a finger along Bill's edges, which were a little too sharp. "I, um, how do I like, uh…"

Bill tried turning sideways, but that didn't seem to do anything. Dipper pulled Bill's legs slightly apart and rubbed a little, but Bill just seemed confused. "I kinda think we have to be the same dimensions to do this right," Dipper said.

"Let me try, uh…" Bill trailed off. "Here?" His orifice changed to a wormhole. He grabbed Dipper's butt and thrusted it in.

"Oh, I think I feel something!" said Dipper. "Oh yeah, it's, oh, ohhh no," he said. Pulling out, he saw that his penis had been replaced with a large blue number 4. Strange fluids leaked from it. "I don't know what this is right now."

"You might want to get that checked out" Bill suggested.

"I have to report this to my uncle," Dipper said. "Ford?" He tumbled out of the shower and pulled the door open. Water from all of the devices flooded the room.

"You fucked up, nephew," Ford bubbled through the water as the house collapsed around them.


End file.
